The World’s Funniest Medical Jobs EVER!

So we thought as it’s just before Christmas and no one is thinking about work, we’d take a look at some of the funniest jobs that the Red Square Medical team have been to over the years!There were some very strong contenders for the final list, but we did realise that alcohol featured heavily in many of them! These are the ones that got voted in as the funniest… so enjoy!List of servicesThe Lady with the DogA damp evening and the crew found a lady standing in her garden in the rain, concerned about the ‘lady with a dog’ who had fallen over. There was no lady or dog, but my colleague, who used to be a veterinary nurse, was dispatched to check the ‘dog’ was OK, while I got the lady inside. There the story got more bizarre.Apparently alien children had been living with her for the last 2 weeks and their parents were now here, in the spaceship overhead, to take them home. She told us they were quite quiet and had been no trouble at all. Thinking quickly, I suggested that could be because English wasn’t their first language if they were from a different planet! The patient thought that was quite likely.The patient agreed to come to the hospital but was worried about us and the nurses being affected by radiation from the space ship. We used NLP techniques to work with the patient's world, to gain her trust and be able to help her. We reassured her that we and the nurses work around x-rays so wouldn’t be affected by the radiation. We suspected a UTI… unless there actually were aliens!!!!!.Item linkList Item 1The Crusted ScabiesThe young man with ‘crusted scabies’ (look that one up!) and a groin injury. He was running round his flat with blood pouring from his groin, scratching at the scabies. There were flakes of skin flying everywhere and the temptation for us to stop breathing was strong!It was one where we wished we’d worn full Tyvex suits and respirator hoods. Let’s just say that we didn’t sit down, did our assessment super fast, wrapped him in a blanket and got going to the hospital asap!Find out more about ScabiesList Item 2The Pain relief oneWarning… morphine can act like a truth serum! A lovely patient with sciatic pain was stuck belly down over a footstool in a lot of pain. In order to move him to get to hospital, we used Entonox (gas and air), IV paracetamol and morphine. But we had no idea of what was coming.As the drugs started to kick in, the patient started to get more chatty… and giggly! He started to tell us how much he loved his wife, plus a few facts about their relationship that we really didn’t need to know. Argh! What has been heard, cannot be unheard! Soon the pain had eased enough to get him to hospital but we were blushing for the rest of the day!Item linkList Item 3The Anaesthetic oneIn a similar vein (get it!!), as a student medic, you are required to rotate through the various hospital departments to get a rounded education. I was doing a stint in recovery which is where the patients are taken after having surgery to make sure that the anaesthetic wears off and the airway is maintained at all times until they are ready to be transported back to the ward. I had been tasked to sit with a patient and to remove his airway tube as he regained consciousness. This duly happened and he turned to look at me and promptly said “F**k me, you’re ugly! I want that one over there!” pointing at one of my colleagues. I properly laughed and knew that he would have no recollection of that moment. There are so many stories like that one from my time working in recovery.Item linkList Item 4Monkey DustOne New Years Day, we were called to a patient who had taken Monkey Dust but was also diabetic. He was displaying erratic mood swings and uncoordinated movements. His blood sugars were too high, but he was convinced they were too low and knew that for low blood sugar, he needed to eat something sugary. So he poured a bowl of cereal, sprinkled sugar liberally and started trying to eat it. Except he couldn’t get the spoon to his mouth and kept throwing the cereal all over himself and the floor, becoming more and more frustrated! It was like a scene from Airplane and we just had to stand back and watch the puddles of milk and cereal expand across the floor. Some very tired police officers at the end of their long NYE shift arrived and we all had a laugh about how this was the first job of the New Year and what else could possibly go wrong. It was 2020!Item LinkDeep Heat vs KY JellyDuring my first sea draft I was working late in the Sick Bay, updating patient notes from the days cases, when the phone rang. When I answered it there was a small voice at the end that sounded like the owner was in pain. He asked if he could come by sick bay and apologised for it being out of hours. I said sure, come on down. He arrived and was very red in the face and walking with extreme care. I asked him what the problem was and he showed me a tube of deep heat. My immediate thought was that he had been rubbing some deep heat into a sore muscle and must have had an open wound that it got into and stung like mad. But oh no, he had not been rubbing it into a sore muscle. I shan’t spell it out for you but let's just say that he thought he was reaching for KY Jelly….Item LinkThe Catheter storyIt was the last job before my annual leave. The gentleman met us at the door with the words ‘I’m sorry to call you out but I’ve been really stupid’. Having been prepped for surgery, the procedure was cancelled so he stormed out of the hospital in a huff. He managed to remove his cannula without bleeding to death… result! But he couldn’t figure out how to get his catheter out, so he just cut the end off! The result was a 10cm tube of plastic sticking out of his unmentionables and a constant stream of urine! We couldn’t help but laugh. After padding out his undies with incontinence pads, a trip to hospital followed so that the remaining catheter could be removed safely.Item LinkHow much baggage?At the start of lockdown, we were called to an elderly homeless lady who was outside in the middle of the night. We got her and her multiple carrier bags and suitcases (there were about 15!) onto the ambulance and assessed her. She was actually fine, but told us she was supposed to have a room at a hostel. A call to social services confirmed things were in place for her and she had the means to get to where she needed to be.The problem was that when the time came for her to get off the ambulance she totally refused. We literally couldn’t get her off, even with our best persuasive moves and when we put all of her bags back outside. She kept talking, refused to stand up, showed us the money stuffed down her bra, and came up with all sorts of reasons not to get off. After an hour of trying to get her to leave, we had to threaten her with calling the Police before she very reluctantly got off and we left scene quickly to go to the next job before she could get on the vehicle again!Item LinkThe oily ice rinkA lovely, happy patient with learning difficulties decided to fry some sausages with a reasonable (as in large!) amount of oil in the frying pan. Of course she spilled the oil on the floor. She tried to mop it up with water! Then of course slipped over in it. She wasn’t hurt, but couldn’t get up.When we arrived, she was sitting at the far side of the kitchen and giggling away. I put one foot on the lino… and slipped! I managed to stay upright but soon realised that getting to the patient was going to be like a scene from Looney Tunes on ice!We got a couple of towels from the bathroom and managed to get to the patient who was fine, but finding it all very amusing. With a little help, she was able to get up and use the towel pathway to safety!Going above and beyond, we tried to think of something that would get rid of the oil slick so she didn’t fall again… the answer… good old Fairy Liquid. We sloshed a load of it around and mopped up the oil so the patient was safe to leave at home.Item LinkThe complex scissor caseOn another ship that I was working on I got called out to one of the onboard office spaces. I have to admit, I was a little put out as the caller said it wasn’t an emergency and that mostly the patient was fine so I was wondering why he couldn’t make it to the medical centre. Anyway, I grabbed my kit bag and made my way up to the office space and on entering the space found a chap with his hand pinned to the desk with a pair of scissors. They had been playing silly games and when the ship rolled a little heavier than usual the scissors slipped and went through his hand instead of between his fingers. I laughed and had to call him out for being so daft as to play that game in the first place. It ended up a more complex case than I first thought as well because it was hard work unpinning him from the desk!Item LinkThe drunk medicsI was duty weekend in Portsmouth Naval Dockyard and heard the bell go at the front door. In enters a gaggle of medics holding someone up (another medic). They were all drunk and had been throwing their best shapes around the dance floor of a popular dancing hall. So there I am, a fairly junior medic, surrounded by a load of senior medics including the patient trying to get a set of vital signs and they all had the proper giggles, it was soooooo infectious that I couldn’t help myself and started gigging. I literally had no idea what I was laughing at but it was bloody funny!Item LinkWe hope you liked our choice of funny jobs, and of course, we’d love to hear your stories too so please comment on our social media posts!For now, we’d like to wish you all the best for Christmas, whether you’re at home or working, have a Happy New Year and prosperous 2023!Please do share our blogs with people you think may enjoy or benefit from them...< Older PostNewer Post >Moving an ill or injured patientby Rachel Smith•26 March 2025In basic first aid classes, there is great emphasis on not moving a patient under any circumstances. But is this always right? Our Paramedic friends tell us about times they have arrived on scene to find an elderly faller virtually held down onto the icy ground they slipped on because they think it’s best. Or a care home resident who is unharmed, wriggling around but just unable to get themselves off the floor. Of course, if the person is ill or injured, care must be taken to prevent the condition from worsening, but certainly in our maritime environment there may be times when we MUST move a patient for both their and our safety and wellbeing. We may even need to move them into a safe space (such as lowering from height) before we can assess them and work out the potential injuries and associated risks. But how do you know when to move them? Or how to move them safely? Here are some situations where moving the patient might be essential: Immediate danger – if the patient is in immediate danger, and if it’s safe for you to help, they should be moved away in some manner. This could be due to fire, an unstable structure, in the water, an otherwise unsafe location. Cardiac Arrest – the patient must be on or moved to a hard, flat surface in order for compressions to be effective. Ideally with a bit of space for a team to work around them. To prevent further harm – if the patient is in a position where they could worsen, or something life threatening could develop, you may need to move, or at least reposition them. This could be due to vomiting, choking on blood, unable to maintain their own airway and could be as simple as sitting them up or rolling them over. Self-extricate – if the patient is able to self-extricate, they should do so. There has been a lot of recent research into this area and old techniques challenged and changed. For instance, in a road traffic collision, if the patient can get out of the car themselves, they should. You can find out more here: https://phemcast.co.uk/2022/09/15/extrication/ Worsening conditions – if the weather and environment change, then you may need to move your patient. For illness or injury, keeping someone warm is important, if not vital. Even in a tropical climate, a trauma patient can cool more rapidly than you think and those rain squalls may pass quickly but do a lot of soggy damage in a short time.Stress Happens!by Rachel Smith•26 February 2025At the time of writing, the Caribbean superyacht season is in full swing and the Mediterranean season is looming just around the corner in a few months time. It can be a stressful time for any crew, from the most senior to the most junior - and we could all do with a little help to manage stress and our response to it. We’ve written a number of blogs about mental health and things you can do to help manage your own stress and mental health, and when to seek help. We’ve listed them at the end of this blog. But did you know that we can also offer a one day, onboard training session, for the whole crew? Stress Happens! is run in conjunction with the super experienced team at Impact Crew, so you benefit from a business, leadership and team perspective, together with the medical and wellness input. Stress Happens! was developed in response to feedback from superyacht crews and has been running for 4 years. It can be delivered in one day and is suitable for crew at any level. It’s also delivered onboard, making it easy to facilitate the whole crew to attend. The aim is to focus on mental wellbeing and stress, providing tools and techniques to help you to manage your own stress, helping others to manage their stress and knowing where to turn for help if it’s needed.Chest painby Rachel Smith•12 February 2025In this month's blog, as aching hearts aren’t just related to Valentines Day, we’re taking a look at chest pain! Chest pain is a common reason for calls for an ambulance or to shoreside, and frequently it’s not actually due to cardiac (heart) issues. But you will often hear Paramedics tell their patients that they have done the right thing; they would genuinely prefer to get to a patient and find the chest pain is a minor issue, than it being cardiac, and too late! Last year, we wrote this blog about 20 causes of chest pain (plus a bonus one!). Some of the conditions described are acute (sudden onset), some are chronic (long term), some need urgent attention, others not so much. But we should always take chest pain seriously and make sure a full assessment is done at the earliest opportunity to rule out anything life threatening. Typical symptoms of cardiac chest pain and/or a heart attack are:FleetMed Support - Launchby Rachel Smith•29 January 2025Get ready for something super exciting! After a full year of intense planning and meticulous preparation, we're thrilled to announce the launch of our all-encompassing medical support service — FleetMed Support! Customised Maritime Medical Solutions Whether you have a fleet of ships or a single vessel, managing medical operations can be daunting without dedicated support. This makes FleetMed Support a perfect solution for the cruise, expedition and superyacht sectors. Our approach is simple: We take the burden of medical management off your shoulders, allowing you to focus on the bigger picture. With 24/7 support, we create a customized service level agreement for your fleet, ensuring that every detail is taken care of. So what’s new and why haven’t we done this before? Well, we're not a company that rushes into things. Instead, we take the time to thoroughly research and understand what's needed, ensuring we can deliver to the very high standards we set for ourselves and maintain those standards at all costs. Let's be honest, it's the continuous pursuit of excellence, the commitment to always improve, and the understanding that there's always more to learn that drives us forward each day. This means we are now ready to launch what we believe is a truly great portfolio of customisable services. So, how could this look for your company? Working with us is straightforward and hassle-free. We start by listening carefully to your specific requirements so that we can thoroughly understand your needs, and discuss your current gaps. Once we have a clear picture, we craft a tailored plan to deliver the precise services you require. Our process is marked by clear and concise communication at every step. We believe in total transparency, ensuring that you are kept in the loop throughout the entire process. We pride ourselves on our efficiency and dedication. Once the plan is in place, our experienced team gets to work, executing the agreed-upon services with precision and care. Our goal is to deliver exceptional results without any drama, making your experience as smooth and stress-free as possible.Vaccinations - A useful overview for seafarersby Rachel Smith•15 January 2025From Flu jabs to far flung destinations… Vaccinations are a hotly debated topic across the globe, particularly after COVID-19 and the rapid response to the need for a vaccination to help reduce the burden on the health services in different countries. While the majority of healthcare workers and the general population support the ‘prevention is better than cure’ line of thinking, and therefore vaccinations, there are others who are determinedly against vaccinations for any disease, whatever the risk of mortality and death may be. In the UK, the BCG (Bacillus Calmette-Guerin) vaccination used to be given to all children in their teenage years to protect against tuberculosis. The vaccine has been so successful that TB is virtually eradicated now, and the majority of cases are due to migration. Now it’s only given to those deemed at high risk - babies and children at high risk, those travelling to high risk regions and adults coming into the UK from high risk countries. Depending on your country of origin, you should receive a range of vaccinations as a child or young adult. This will most likely include diphtheria, tetanus, polio and whooping cough, hepatitis and HIB (Influenza type B). Then MMR (measles, mumps and rubella), the pneumococcal vaccine (meningitis, pneumonia and sepsis) and HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) with a variety of boosters along the way. At the other end of the scale, the over 65s can receive vaccines for shingles, pneumococcal vaccine and respiratory syncytial virus along with flu and covid vaccines.Red Square Medical – End of Year Reviewby Rachel Smith•30 December 2024Reflection is an essential part of medicine and our regular followers will know that every year, we like to take a look back and assess where we started and how far we’ve come over the last 12 months. So, please join us on our whirlwind recap of 2024 as we get ready for a fabulous 2025… In 2024 we increased the number of STCW training clients to 4 organisations in 6 locations. We delivered STCW training at all levels to over 250 students. We delivered bespoke training to over 75 students onboard Superyachts and cruise ships. We delivered first aid at work or oxygen training to over 40 students, on land and on ships.The Recovery Position - an STCW refreshby Rachel Smith•18 December 2024Welcome to our December blog, which is all about the recovery position and how to manage an unconscious casualty who is breathing normally. Unconsciousness is a medical emergency as the person is very vulnerable and may not be able to manage their own airway effectively. We also need to think about the cause of unconsciousness. Is it a simple fainting episode due to illness? Is it a massive hemorrhage causing hypovolemic shock? Or is it due to some kind of external factor or injury? This blog looks at how to manage an unconscious casualty. So, if we have a casualty who is unconscious, but who is breathing normally for themselves, and we’re not suspecting a serious injury, the recovery position is the best position to use while monitoring them. The recovery position keeps their airway open and makes sure that vomit or liquid won’t cause them to choke.Revisiting our guest blogsby Rachel Smith•11 December 2024All the guest blogs! When we started adding blogs to our website back in early 2021, we did a little feature on each of our instructors of the time. They’re quite a fascinating bunch and the series proved quite popular amongst our followers. In addition to our amazing instructors, we work with some utterly incredible human beings all over the world, and the idea of sharing their stories grew and developed into what eventually became a monthly guest blog. It’s been interesting to find out more about how medical care at sea or in remote locations features in their work, and to discover a few fun facts along the way. This month, we thought that it might be a fun idea to give you a chance to go back into the archives and review all the guest blogs over the last few years! Maybe even let us know which your favourite one is?Cayman Maritime Report 2023by Rachel Smith•27 November 2024We’ve taken a look at the 2023 Casualty Summary Report from the Maritime Authority of the Cayman Islands (MACI) to see what kind of incidents and trends their data shows us, even with relatively small data sets, and how this may be able to transfer to our own risk assessments and actual practice. You can find the report here: Cayman Maritime Report 2023 The first thing we noted was the authors note that the data is split out into incidents. This means that one incident may include a number of events. So a collision and any resulting injury is one incident, but is reported as two events, or more, if more than one person is injured. It made us wonder whether this method of reporting by an authority represents how incidents are reported onboard and whether it should be a consideration? Of course, for any set of statistics presented at the moment, we also have to consider the COVID-19 pandemic and the impact this has on trends including that period. While essential shipping continued, the cruise and superyacht sectors reduced activity and staffing, often to a skeleton crew while anchored somewhere. So this will be reflected in the historic data sets that we analyse from 2019 to 2021 and may not accurately reflect increases and decreases during and since then. In some situations, we may need to look further back for accurate data. We also need to consider whether increases in incidents and events is also down to increased reporting - suggesting an improvement in the awareness of reporting requirements and greater engagement from the industry and individual sectors - this can only be a good development. Since 2020, the type of injury has been recorded in 8 different categories, with hand and foot injuries topping the leaderboard, closely followed by head, body, and back injuries. So if you were looking to run drills, or practise medical skills, these would be the key areas to cover. Only one death was an occupational accident, and is being investigated here: MAIB Investigations (search for case #9229607). It relates to a fall down a ventilation shaft on a bulk carrier in a Greek shipyard. The full report was still pending at the time of writing. Merchant ships are heavily regulated by a number of authorities, and the requirements for personal protective equipment and safe systems of work are enforced and applied to reduce accidents and incidents onboard. This has led to a lower reporting of incidents than in the commercial yacht sector. Could there be room for improvement here in this area? We certainly think so. Many of the hand and foot injuries reported can be career ending or life changing, but are preventable. Follow up has shown that there is a link here with injuries being sustained when inappropriate or no PPE was used. The supply and use of appropriate PPE is mandatory on vessels subject to the MLC and it’s worth remembering that some PPE can be produced in styles and designs compatible with the aesthetics of a yacht if required! On a much wider scale, a lack of transparency and standardisation globally can affect the collection of data and the issue of under reporting. While the MACI figures may be accurate, we need other accurate figures to compare them to, in order to build a bigger picture across the world as we have in aviation. From December 2024, the Maritime Labour Convention (MLC) will be enforcing an amendment so that seafarer deaths will be recorded and reported annually. The MACI and Cayman Islands Shipping Registry produces a number of safety flyers that are publicly available HERE that may be useful. In summary, analysing data can sometimes result in more questions than answers. But even this can lead to interesting and important developments that result in improved safety and reduced incidents and accidents onboard. Key points to take from this report are: Use the correct PPE for the task. Employ approved systems of work and risk assessments for the task. Reporting is key for safety in the future of our industry. Enjoy a night ashore, but don’t over do the cocktails! As always, if you’d like any input on medical training onboard or ashore, or drills that you can run yourselves, please just get in touch. References: https://www.lloydslist.com/LL1145359/Increase-in-incidents-of-deaths-at-seaJames Griffiths - Guest Blogby Rachel Smith•6 November 2024Welcome to our latest guest blog where we’ve been chatting to James Griffiths, General Manager of Ocean Operations for Scenic Group and finding out more about what happens behind the scenes in order to keep a fleet of luxury expedition ships running. Here’s what James told us… As General Manager of Ocean Operations, I’m responsible for the operations of our fleet which includes four ships in service with around 850 colleagues. I currently live in Mumbles, near Swansea in the UK, but due to the nature of my work I spend a significant amount of time living in Croatia. Prior to this role, I spent many years working at sea and worked up through the ranks to Captain and over the last 15 years, my main focus has been on polar expedition travel. I hold a master mariner certificate of competency in addition to a degree in engineering and a post graduate diploma in law. Part of my job is to work with our medical service provider (Red Square Medical) to ensure that our ships are offering medical services that are appropriate for their deployment, and this can often be to some of the most extreme and remote locations around the world. It’s extremely varied, though during the COVID-19 pandemic, I came ashore when our operations paused for a significant period of time. I was fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to lead the restart of our Ocean Operations, which included setting up everything from a company to manage the ships, to selecting our crewing, medical, helicopter and submarine partners and providers, amongst many other things. Our areas of operation, and the nature of our cruises (expedition), plus having aircraft and submersibles onboard some, do mean additional elements involved in the management of these ships. You could say that this current position is more of a happy coincidence than one that I actually planned for! In some ways this is a great positive - I do think it’s possible to plan a little too much and then be disappointed if things don’t go quite the way you had imagined. But there’s no danger of that here!More posts